It all began with a rock…

This year, I got heartbroken for the first time from a guy who I thought was “the one”.

First of all, I am not doing this because I want to be with him again and I am not doing this just to meddle in with his relationship. I am doing this to express my story about my first heartbreak.

So, here it goes…

Some would say you’re crazy for writing this; some would think it’s not a good idea. I know writing this is for me to finally let him go. 

It was my sophomore year of college and I had a crush on a guy who was a little bit out of my league. You could say he’s pretty popular in the university that I go to because he was the type that girls go for. He was known for his voice and his looks. He knew that he had attention from a lot of students. I didn’t know who he was because he was a freshman. I didn’t think he was cute or even charming first time I saw him because I saw him from a far. But the time I saw him up close, I knew why girls would have a crush on this fellow. Something about his eyes, you would get lost when you stare at his eyes. He’s such a softy and a secretive/mysterious guy when I first talked to him. I think every girl knows that if you are talking to your crush, you’re chill in the outside, but squealing in the inside. Our first conversation was him talking about being really scared when he watches a horror film. A guy telling me that takes guts. We would chat on Facebook and chat about random things. Actually that was the time I said I had a crush on him and he was flattered that I said it because he told me that he had a crush on me too. 

The time I started to like him was when we had to do an advertisement together for my friend’s project. We finally had a conversation about so many things. The more I knew about him, the more feelings I had for this guy, the more I fell. We would have a heart-to-heart talk about family, unplanned future, and our love for music. And on that day, I knew we would talk more after the advertisement.

During semester break, we decided to have our first date. It was on October 29. A very special day for me. I remembered, while having dinner, I ate pork barbecue and he randomly said, “You’re beautiful.” I couldn’t forget that because I had barbecue sauce on my mouth. It was funny and sweet. Throughout our first date, he gave me a rock because we had a conversation about a rock being my souvenir when he gets back from Manila. I was joking, but he actually gave it to me. He puts it in a small gift box, I opened it, my heart was beating fast and my stomach had many butterflies. 

It wasn’t almost the 5 months when we were dating. It wasn’t when he asked to be MU (mutual understanding) which is a big deal in Philippines, and it wasn’t when he first said “I love you”. It was the rock that I knew we had something special. I don’t think he gave meaning to the rock, but the rock meant our bond together. It meant he would promise to keep me. Try to love me no matter how hard he tried.

These memories, all of it flashes through my mind while writing this and I’m just smiling and asking myself if I knew him and all I have to say, I used to. I don’t know if it was his convincing smile or his eyes, but he let me in his life and I fell in love. I really did.

He wanted to end it during March. He told me he wasn’t ready to be in relationship. He said that it would take a lot of time for him to be in a commitment. I wasn’t heartbroken that time he told me that because he kept a promise that he would take his time if he wants to be really committed. His definition of “time” was only 4 months when he got a girlfriend. That’s when I got heartbroken. 

When we talked on the phone, he finally told me the truth. He said we felt like strangers and he felt lost while we were dating. When he said that to me, my mind just went blank for a few seconds and then I got confused. He told me he wasn’t ready for commitment. He said the typical saying, “It’s not you. It’s me.” It’s just a slap in the face that I wasn’t giving him what he wanted or I wasn’t good enough. If I didn’t call him, he would just keep his “trail of lies” just to be safe and not let me get hurt. He gave me hope that I could wait for him.  I told him if we could talk the next day after our conversation on the phone and he said yes, but we didn’t get to do that. His excuse was that he’s with his friends and that he said that he had enough what he wanted to say.  If he had a little respect, he would talk to me at my house and just say sorry that he lied. Not on phone, but in person. Did he ever say it to my face? No. He’s last text, he said just be happy and don’t be awkward when you say hi. Yea, I am not going to say hi to him because in the first place he said we felt like strangers. HE BROKE MY HEART! He knew what he was doing and he knew it would hurt me, but somehow that didn’t stop him. And I don’t know when he’ll say sorry. And I don’t think he doesn’t have to say it now.

It wasn’t that I was afraid of commitment. I was afraid that I wasn’t enough for him. I was terrified that I didn’t give him enough of what he wanted.  But I didn’t give up on him and he did. He really did.  He wasn’t my boyfriend; he wasn’t mine but damn he made me believe that he was. Two things I wanted to take back when he wanted to end it. One, when I said I take my love back and when I wasn’t ready in a relationship.  I was just waiting for him to say that he was ready.

When people at college would talk about his relationship in front of me, at first it was difficult to listen to their stories. It really was. It was like I was choking to the words and rumors about them and about me. I was stuck and I couldn’t get out from all the whispers around me. I was suffering. People thought he cheated. He left because I was boring. Load of bull! It’s like some people can’t do anything, but makeup a story. And it’s not necessary to tell me where they are because you just have to let them be. To the people who are reading this, go ahead. Say something if you want because I had enough and I’m a lot stronger than before. I am not weak. I am better than weak. 

It’s been 7 months when he ended it and these months, I was really annoyed with myself. Annoyed because I didn’t try hard at school, annoyed because I was waiting for his sorry, annoyed that my mom saw me crying because of him, annoyed for being lost. I lost my true smile in the beginning. I was losing myself. I was about to drift away, but my mom said it’s okay to be sad, just don’t give up on yourself. I told myself, I’m in good hands. I have a great family and great friends who’s on my side. I am enough. I am strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what I deserve. It is up to me if I will let him kill all that’s good in me or I take that pain and say to myself, “I can do this.” I choose the second one. 

The past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or erased. It can only be accepted. I know it’s hard to let go. I know I’m not the only one in the world who got heartbroken from a person you used to love. Millions of people have felt the way I do right now and that is why I want to write about my first heartbreak. I just have to remember to love myself and remember that who I am is enough for me.

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.” – A Walk to Remember

Dear you,

If you’re reading this, you’re not a bad person. I just want you to remember to respect and not lie to the ones you love even if it’s hard to say, say it. Own up to your mistakes dude! And you made me realize that you were weighing me down and you didn’t fight for me. So, I had enough. You are not man enough for me, but hopefully, someday you’re man enough to be a man. I don’t love or hate you, but you will always be remembered. You are remembered because you are the first guy who stole my heart and broke it and that’s okay. I’m actually okay. You will always be remembered because you were my rock, my moon who gave me so much light and love in my life. Now, that’s all in the past. Hopefully a guy will someday will walk into my life and will hold my heart tight and never let it go. And I promise myself, if I fall in love again, I know that it shouldn’t be that painful. One day all of this will be gone and when I think about it, it’s sad, but it’s also what makes my life more sense and beautiful. And maybe one day, we might be friends again.

And I don’t know what I’m going to do with the rock. I might throw it, keep it, or give it to the person I trust. It’s nobody’s damn business.

You dedicated this song to me and I’m finally letting you go. I’m finally free. Thank you I guess for everything. No need for closure or sorry because I don’t need it. Before, the pain would eventually harden me. Time would eventually turn me into stone. But now, I'm moving. I am moving forward, not stuck. 

"The future's near, but never certain."