Busy: The Worst Excuse

Dear You,

Hi. I feel like I’ve been opening these notes by apologizing. Actually, I’ve been starting most of our conversations with “I’m sorry”s lately. Well, this isn't any different because I really am sorry that I’ve been busy. Before writing this entry though, I made sure that I really was busy because I want to be honest with you. First, I looked up the definition of busy:

Busy: adj. 1. engaged in action, occupied

                  2. full of activity

               

Then I checked my Google Calendar. In the span of two weeks  I’ve been in 5 different cities. Whoa! And when I’m not out-of-town, I’m either at work or sleeping at home. Everything is just a blur. I don’t even have time to clean up after myself.  I used to be a neat freak and now I’m just a slob (not to mention a fantastic example of unhealthiness). On top of all that, I’ve been, well for lack of a better term, bitchy.

“Busy” has always been the worst excuse for not making time for someone. Gone are the skype sessions, coffee chats, cooking together, late night philosophy talks, walks, and actual sit-down dinners. Now that I’ve thought about it as I type this, I’m not really sorry for being “busy”. What I’m really sorry for is for not being PRESENT.

When we do get the time to talk, I’m always on my phone. My attention span is so short that I haven’t really internalized what you’ve said the past 5 minutes. Instead of listening to you about your day, I was anxiously scheduling my next day. Without even realizing it, I've become that type of person. I hate it!

But you…well you’re a way better person than I am. You’ve always been patient and understanding. You’re always there with open arms when I eventually show up. Ask anybody who knows us and they’ll say I don’t deserve all of that. I don’t deserve you.

With all that said, let me tell you about a scene that happens every Monday morning. It’s 6AM (or if I’m running really late 7AM) and I wake up to a new week. Before getting up and getting ready, I turn to my left where I see you still sleeping. We both know I don’t want to get up. I don’t even know if you feel me just staring at you (either your face with your lips slightly parted or your back since you eventually end up facing the wall when you sleep). I stay there for a while. I stay in that moment where nothing has started yet. There are no emails to be answered, no phone calls to be made, no demands to be met. There’s just you and me by your side. And let me tell you, there is no greater feeling than being completely by your side. It means being safe, comfortable, understood, happy, loved.

Then the silence breaks. I have to start the week and reluctantly leave that moment.

Don't get me wrong; I will forever be grateful for all the opportunities that my work has given me.  I am thankful for all the places I’ve visited and for all the people I’ve met.

But please know this:

No place will ever compare to experiencing them by your side.

Love,

Me

This post was inspired by: 

"By My Side" by David Choi