Stand In The Light

Once there was a child full of happiness and positivity. She grew up. Everything took a turn when all she saw was darkness.

Most of her teenage years, she spent most days lying down thinking about nothing. That she was nothing. Waking up in the morning or at night, it didn't matter. Time didn't matter to her. She was just waiting for everything to end, that her life would end. And still, it didn't happen.

During high school, she had a decent life. She would hang out with friends, would help others more than herself, would study her hardest, and try her best to impress her family and the people she met. She had one of the brightest smiles that she could give to them. And it seemed like it wasn’t enough. Her smiles were still there, but those smiles didn't compare what she felt inside.

Being a teenager wasn't easy. She's been called worthless, a quitter, stupid, dumb, annoying, disappointing, weird, awkward, sensitive, shy, "not good enough", "just a pretty face". She didn't know that words are like people throwing invisible rocks at you. She wanted to go back as a child where there was no judgement, no worries.

That’s when it hit her. Depression.

A word she didn't know what it meant until she felt it. She was living a life where she was fading away and no one else noticed.

She would put a mask just to hide that sadness of hers. A fake smile worked on her family and friends 'cause she didn't want them to worry. What did depression look like? A person can look like sunshine and rainbows and still have depression. She kept laughing, smiling, pretending to be content with her life. No one saw that she was like a sad broken record that kept replaying and replaying. 

Her days were getting dark, gloomy. A monster crept into her mind and that's how she became one. A girl who would not go to school, would be late, would yell at her parents, would lie more than she should about where she was going or how she felt, would lock herself in her room, would just shut the world.

How can a scream be so loud in her head? No one hears it except her. She wanted it to go away. The screams were suffocating her.

She was tired of crying in her room because her heart hurts so much. She tried to make that pain end. Anything that would make it end. Punching things 'til her hands had enough, watching endless movies and listening to melancholy songs until she slept, going to therapy, taking a shower until all her agonizing thoughts went away, taking things that would make her sleep. Anything that would make her pain go away. Those things didn't work. When she felt too much of it, she felt numb. Feeling that was worse than pain.

Maybe moving to another country and leaving a place that she lived for almost 12 years was part of her depression 'cause she had to leave her close friends and memories behind. Maybe it was her not trying hard enough to make her family proud. Maybe it was just her. She didn't have an easy answer as to why she's depressed. 

A girl who felt dead inside and still alive, why is that?

One day, she did something. Something so simple that made her darkness crack a little light. It was her dancing to Twist and Shout by The Beatles. 

Music is a part of what she is. She loves talking about it. She loves writing about it. Music is like an understanding friend to her.

It's those simple things that she slowly began to see that she didn't want to die, she just wanted to start living. Simple things not just music, but with people that she met in her life, things she saw that made her smile, things she did for herself that made her happy. 

©Jodeth Uy

She realized how ungrateful she was to the world. What she saw was the negativity of it, not the bliss of it.

She began seeing little things like a baby's giggle, how old couples still have lunch together, how a person smiles whenever they get a text, how a person is pleased when they get a perfect shot of a photo, how people sing along to their favorite songs, how someone gives genuine hugs, how a person gives another person a compliment, how satisfied a person is when they finish their food, how one prayer gives a person hope, how friends' and family's laughs are echos of happiness not annoyance, how she can hear her own laugh and realized that's pure joy. 

She looked at herself in the mirror and saw that darkness is slowly fading away from her. It actually scared her because she never saw a reflection of herself in that way. 

She had toxic people in her life. People who told her that she wasn't good enough to do this and that, people that gave her looks on what she wore and did, people that saw her as a weak girl. And yes, she was hurt from those people she met. Yes, it took time to get over it. But she saw something beautiful. Something beautiful that she ignored it 'cause darkness was eating her up. What she saw were people that accepted her flaws, her insecurities. They didn't care how weird she is, how awkward she is, or how shy and sensitive she is. They just simply accepted for what she is and that's the beauty of it.

Even though it took time for her, she destroyed the girl who she used to be and became what she wanted to be.

All she needed was to tell herself just to be her and that she is enough.

She felt selfish to what she had done to her family and friends. She used her pain to hurt others. She didn't do it purposely, but she kept doing it until she realized what she was doing when that pain was gone. 

And there's her family. The ones who she had to say sorry a lot of times. The ones who was tired of seeing her sad, who almost gave up, who yelled at her about the mistakes she made. But those things would never beat the love she has for her family and what they still do for her. How her mom asks if she ate already, how her dad calls just to say good night, and how her sister sends random texts.

There are more than 7 billion people in this world. Most of those 7 billion people go through a lot of shit too. People go through pain and they still face that and would rather be happy. There's nothing purer than that. 

It's something so simple like when people go through rough times in their lives, they talk about it to other people and they say things like, "Thanks for listening to me" or "You made me smile today" or "You just made my day". They have no idea how much that means to a person who's going through a lot too. And that's beautiful. 

She finally saw a bigger picture in the world; that people need people. 

Her 4 years in college made her learn more than her entire life about people, people's purpose, people's​ intentions, about herself, and about life in general. She knew after college that there will be more toxic people and there will be many obstacles along the way, but she wasn't weak as she used to be. She knew that she can fight it no matter what the circumstances will be. She was no longer that girl who felt like she was losing  herself, but a girl who's finding herself.

On April 6th, 2017, she was waiting for her name to be called as she graduates college. She never expected to go this far in her life. A girl who faced a lot of challenges while she had depression. A girl who expected to be gone in the past. A girl who thought she was not good enough. Her name was called, it was that moment that she was taking a step forward and forgetting that girl; she didn't see darkness. What she saw was light. Just light. 

This post was inspired by the song, "Stand In The Light" by Jordan Smith. A beautifully written song that is really uplifting for me and to other people. His voice is beyond incredible. 

"'Cause the greatest risk we'll ever take is by far to stand in the light and be seen as we are."