New Start

2015 was a hell of a roller coaster ride. Was this a good year for me? No.  Did I learn a lot during 2015? Yes. It was the year of letting go. The year of realization. The year of knowing about myself more. Family, friendships, love, and “myself” are four major roles that I learned and experienced a lot during 2015.

Family

My mom, my dad, and my sister are three individuals that have one thing in common, endurance. They work hard on what they do and they never give up.  And that is what keeps me going. 2015 was the year of disappointing them. Even though they don’t say it, I can feel it. I’ve wasted a lot of time on the computer and not giving shit about what’s going on around me where there are far worse problems out there. My mom recently saw me on the computer like at 4AM and she said, “What are you doing with your life? Control it. Just control it. Stop sleeping at school. Stop being late. Control it.” And it hit me that I am a wreck. I am draining to a world that I don’t want to be in again. Until now, it’s a step by step process. Yes, I’m still sleeping late, but my mom punched with reality saying that I am wasting my life. I have to do something about it.  I am literally annoyed and pissed off with myself because I should be beyond lucky and blessed that I have a family who will never leave my side. Yes, I can say that we are crazy, that we get into arguments, and that we’re a little dysfunctional, but I love them with all my heart and I am thankful that I have them in my life. I should cherish that more often. I’m sorry and I love you guys.

Friendships

Friends come and go. I come to a point where I realized I trust too much or depend on friends and that’s not good. Of course, trust is a wonderful trait with friends, but don’t be naive about it. I’ve been betrayed a lot during 2015. Close friends are like my second family and if I feel like I’ve been deceived, you are not my friend anymore. At first, they are feeling close to you, you guys tell secrets, then all of sudden you just feel used or think they are better than you. Never compare or have a competition between friends; it’s awful, really. A close friend would have the guts to say sorry on what they did wrong, to say thank you, to say that you are an idiot for doing something you shouldn’t do. A close friend is a person who encourages or supports you to be better and who doesn’t bring you down. And I am glad that right now I’m surrounded with weird, awesome, great close friends who are like that. I am also happy I still have close friends from Cali who still have the time to send me messages just to say hi, I miss you. You know who you are.

Love

Oh boy. This word is really complicated in so many ways. I’ve learned a lot about love during 2015. I thought it would be easy for me. But is anything ever easy? Yes, I love my friends and family, but I am talking about the “romantic kind of love”. That kind of love is really hard. A guy walked into your life and in just one snap, he’s gone. I ask, why did he let me in his life then without any clarification of not wanting to date me anymore? But I ask again, does he even need an explanation? Love doesn’t need an explanation. You can’t understand it. You want to be mad or be angry with this person, but in the end, all you feel is hurt. I’ve been drained and been spiraling down because of this one person who doesn’t care about me anymore. I don’t blame him, I blame myself. He got to me. What I learned about love is put yourself first. Love yourself first. I am a 20 years old girl who never been kissed or never had a boyfriend and that’s okay. In my life, I like to take things slow. That’s just me. At the same time, if you know, you’ll know because at the end of the day, love is not a “maybe feeling” no matter how fast or slow the relationship takes you. What I also learned, if something feels wrong or you’re holding something back that you’re not telling someone you like or love, go say it! For now, loving myself is the best thing for me and that’s how I know that I can love again with someone else.

Myself

I don’t know how much I cried during 2015. I’m such a cry baby. I can get a little dramatic. I’ve wasted my tears with the wrong people.  I don’t know why I complained so much where there are worse situations out there in the world. I had a lot of useless days, shitty days and I had enough. I mean, fuck! Get yourself together, Bernice! I had a lot of support of that year, but man! I am irritated of how much of a useless person I was with myself. During mid of 2015, I learned that you should never doubt yourself too much. Follow your fears. Don’t follow cockroaches or spiders, I mean follow what you’re afraid of doing. If you say to yourself, I can’t do it, do it! Pursue what you want even though you’re terrified, you'll never know if you just try. Don’t ignore it. I’m a person who likes to make other people happy, but at the same time I should be equally happy too. I would think what people think of me, but so what? I’m sensitive, awkward, corky, and outgoing too. If they don’t like that, they shouldn’t be in my life. It’s none of my business what people say of me. I am what I am, I do what I do. I expect nothing and I accept everything. Just do you.

2015 was such a crappy year, but also I have to thank the people who made this one of the worst years of my life. Me, the guy I used to love, and ex-friends. Why? Because I became a better person, well not much of better, a matured one to be exact. I don’t know if 2016 will be good to me, but what I do know is that I should appreciate my life instead of complaining about it. Here’s to becoming a healthier and happier person.


2016, here’s to a new start and never forget to keep holding your head up high 'cause you know that you can't go back now. 

You go where you want to go. Be what you want to be... 'Cause you can't go back now.